Zoro's Meat
by finaleus
Summary: Luffy follows Zoro to the bathroom and gets something from someplace he wasn't expecting. (Warning: tons of Zolu fluffiness with nudity, Traffy, and lemon flavored fun)
1. Part One: Zoro's Meat

**WARNING:** THis chapter contains something called yaoi dont look it up unless youre 13 and older I'm 12

* * *

Luffy and Zoro were together with their members lying out in plain sight... and by members, I mean the 7 other members of the strawhat crew.

Everyone was asleep because it was night time, but Luffy and Zoro were both conicidentally up because this is an unrealistic love story. But they didn't know each other was up... ooooh angst *wink*. Zoro wanted sake aka rice wine or booze, but he had none, so he decided to sneak into the kitchen to find it. Its used in cooking japanese dishes often, so Sanji probably had some.

"Stupid eyebrows cook lulz" he said, and he got up, scratched his butt nonchalantly, and went off.

Unfortuneatly, he got lost, and he ended up in the bath room instead.

"Oi, Zoro, why are you in here?" said Luffy, who was behind him like behind him.

Zoro turned, "I thought the kitchen was here but it wasnt, stupid ship"

Luffy seductively put his hand... up to his head and scratched it, "I can take you to the kitchen, I was going to go there too"

"Then why did you come here?" Zoro turned 50 shades of red, "...did you want to take a bath with me?"

Luffy replied, "okay, but first, I want meat!"

Zoro smiled, "well, if you want meat, I have some right here for you..." and with a wink he took his hand... slowly reached down into his robes... hovered momentarily between his legs... and then whipped out a piece of sauteed pork he had been saving from that evening's dinner.

Luffy, "OOOH I LOVE YOUR MEAT" and he ate the leftover food, even though it wasn't clean since it had been sitting in Zoro's robes for the few hours since dinner. After that, Zolu and Luffy went to take a completely platonic bath because it is natural to bathe in groups in japan.

–

Part 2 coming in my pants


	2. Part Two: Yaoi Bathtime

Zoro and luffy were wet and naked. It was getting really hot and steamy. Zoro noticed how 'hot and steamy' the room was getting and told Luffy to stop filling the bath with hot water, because it was now at an uncomfortably boiling temperature.

"but Zoro, it's _funner_ this way :C" whined the rubber man, accustomed to heat because of his second gear.

"That's not a word luffy." Zoro rolled his eye(s), "anyway, how can you take a bath with this much water if you're a devil fruit user?"

Luffy laughed, "hey zoro, I just realized you took your robe off"

"...we've already been in the bath for 10 minutes now."

"Your sausage looks tasty, even if it isn't a big one"

"Sh-shut up."

Luffy reaches over and grabs a half-eaten hotdog that seemed to have rolled out of zoro's robe when he took it off. Its soon in his stomach.

"Oh," said Zoro, "that sausage ._. ...Wait, how did that even get in there, we havent eaten that since over a week ago"

"Zoro, you are so fricking sexy, can I touch you?"

Upon hearing this, Zoro turned red like a tomato maiden, "I guess if you w—wait, L-luffy, what are you saying this for?"

Luffy blinked, "I didn't say anything"

A fully clothed girl emerged from the bathwater nearby, startling the two, "That was meee~"

"Who the hell are you?" Zoro said, only to be interrupted by Luffy's unphased, "Yo!"

She smiled, "I am moaning murtle the turtle... loljk I am tumblr fangirl *winks*"

Zoro covered his crotch with his hands, "Why are you in our bath? Men and women aren't supposed to bathe together!"

"I couldn't miss out on a chance to ask you two some questions... (whispered to luffy:) and see zoro naked ;D"

Luffy laughed, "She's funny, I want her to join our crew!"

Zoro frowned. This woman needed to die.

The girl speaks up again, "So, zoro... what do you think about zosan? You two my otp 3"

Zoro, still uncomfortable, mutters, "Zosan? Isn't that the Japanese word for elephant? And how did you get here anyway? Leave luffy and I alone in here (geez)."

Luffy pipes up, "Zoro look, her shirt says 'sex god'. maybe she's god. Oi oi oi, god, I have a question," and he points to his nipples, "What are these for?"

Her faces goes from cheerfulness to dreadful, sexual tension, "those. are. for. YAOI!"

Luffy's face lights up, "Whats yaoi? Im hungry. Do you poop?"

Zoro angrily interrupts, "Stop taking luffy's attention from me this is supposed to be OUR story"

The tumblr fangirl frowns "Fine then zoro, I'll just write my own story about you then but it'll be with sanji because luffy is dumb"

...and at this point, both Luffy and Zoro are mad (for different reasons), and they knock the fangirl out of the room through a window and into the raging sea of the new world. She didn't mind drowning though, because she got to see Zoro's muscular, nude body.

The two guys feel relief from her removal and sink back into the oversized bathtub. Apart from the sound of the ocean, it's quiet for awhile, but that's fine. Zoro watches luffy blankly stare at the wall, smiling. He wonders what his captain is thinking about. Probably meat; it's always about meat with him... but that's just another thing that made Luffy adorable. Luffy suddenly looks toward Zoro, startling him. Crap. Did he notice his staring? Well, he's too naive to realize these things. He just has to act cool.

"Zoro, what's yaoi, huh? I still dont understand."

Luffy just stares at zoro, waiting for an answer, but the marimo is at a lost for words. He begins blushing again, "Come... come over here and I'll show you"

Luffy, curious to find out, moved closer to his first mate. Zoro looked around to make sure no one else was watching, "You can't tell anyone about what I'm going to do, okay? It's going to be our little secret."

"Okay, Zoro."

And so... Zoro inched closer to luffy, close enough to where their bodies were touching... grabbed his phone out of his robe, and opened up his bookmarked stories on the fanfiction site. He clicked on a mihawk fic—one of his favorites—and they simply sat there and read all 40 chapters together.

* * *

(I'm guessing that at the end, Zoro was overwhelmed with feels, and luffy _STILL_ didn't have the slightest clue what yaoi was.)


	3. Part Three: Things Get Serious

"Oi, Zoro"

"Yeah?"

"We've been in this bath for 3 parts of the story now. It's getting cold; let's go sleep?"

'_Only if you mean together_,' Zoro thought with a smirk, '..._No, what the hell was that? Get that thought out of your head. Luffy can't hear these thoughts with haki, can he? ...what's happening to me? Why am I even thinking about this? This is crap._'

"Zoro, hey ZORO!" Luffy said, stretching his hand over to slap the swordman's face, "Why are you ignoring me? Let's go already. Hurry, I'm tired."

"Calm down, dammit. I'll be right out— LUFFY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Luffy stopped his movements and looked back, "What?"

"You can't just run off naked like that; what if someone else sees you? Geez, you're an idiot sometimes."

"Well, if you say so, Zoro... I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble to put those clothes back on"

Luffy walked back towards Zoro, who was still in the tub. He went to pick up his previously-worn attire, but then Zoro stood up and mumbled, "No, don't."

As Zoro's arm whipped out to stop Luffy, he realized what had just slipped out of his mouth, and what he was doing. He felt his face flush red like taylor swift's crappy single.

"W-what?" Zoro said with a stutter, "I meant, those clothes are dirty, so you shouldn't wear them again, or you'll have to take another bath. Not that bathing often is a bad thing, but I don't want you to do it without me... um, I mean, you know, in case you start to drown because of your devil fruit. It's not safe, you know"

Zoro began trembling. '_What the hell is happening to me? Me... and Luffy? No. No... This isn't like me at all... or at least I don't think... ugh. That pervert girl from earlier must've done something to my brain. This only started happening after she left. I don't really feel ...this way about Luffy, right? Right? I'm his first mate, and he's my captain. That's all. That's all...'_

Luffy chuckled, "Zoro, you're acting funny. What's with the weird face? Do you need to poop?"

Zoro felt his heartbeat quicken. The more he thought about it, the more attractive Luffy seemed; his voice was familiar, and yet there was something new... something sexy. Every word that came out of Luffy's mouth was addictive. Even the word 'poop' sent shivers down Zoro's spine. He felt himself getting hotter and hotter, sexy and hotter let's shut it down.

"Luffy, I... I think I love you."

... '_What the hell did I just say?_' Zoro screamed internally. The word shit bounced around in his head so much that he was sure his eyebrows would curl up like dartboards.

Luffy laughed again, "I love you too, Zoro,"

Zoro felt his heart stop.

"...you're my nakama after all, we've been family for years now!"

And as Luffy finished his sentence, he was completely oblivious to the fact that it wasn't what Zoro wanted to hear.

_'Why...'_ thought Zoro_, 'why am I sad? I didn't mean it, did I? I don't really love him, right? Yes, I was set on giving my life for him back at Thriller Bark... and yes, I spent years training, for __him__... but it wasn't because of THIS, was it? If I loved him, I wouldn't only be realizing it now, after all this time, right?'_

But maybe he was wrong. Was his affection for his captain really something deeper? He showed no interest in girls before, but was it really just because he wanted to focus on his swordsmanship? Maybe his true emotions just got lost as often as he did.

Zoro's voice trembled, "Luffy, I..."

and he stopped. He couldn't say another word. He finally understood.

Luffy cocked his head, "Zoro, are you okay? We shouldn't stand here naked, I'm really getting cold"

And right then and there, Zoro leaned over and held Luffy. Whether Luffy thought it was just for warmth, or something else, Zoro didn't care. Luffy was in his arms, and that's all he needed at that moment.

But the moment passed too soon.

Zoro let out a brief, unmanly scream and pushed Luffy back a bit.

_'What. have. I. done.'_

Luffy just stared at Zoro, showing no emotion. Maybe that was an emotion in itself. Zoro couldn't tell what was going through Luffy's mind. Which was probably for the best, really.

"Luffy, I'm sorry, I—"

"You know, I just noticed from you hugging me. You have really nice muscles, Zoro."

Zoro almost died._ 'I know I screwed up but wait, what? WHAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING.'_

"I'm really jealous, you know. I bet I'd be super strong if I had muscles too, but I'm rubber so I can't really get any."

Oh, so that's what he meant. Zoro knew he should've expected it by now. Luffy was Luffy. He wouldn't understand love... he didn't understand anything. Zoro clenched his fists. It had only been minutes, but he already couldn't take this anymore. '_Why, why does it feel like this? Is this... love? It hurts. I've barely gotten to know it and it hurts... more than any fist or blade. I don't want it. I don't... but... I can't do anything now, can I? I'm stuck with it forever... and Luffy's just going to look at me stupidly without noticing a thing. He's naked, right in front of me, and all I'm allowed to do is pretend I'm okay with this. I'm not.' _

Zoro felt anguish, despair knowing he was helplessly trapped. His first emotions of this sort hit him at full force, and it wasn't something he could easily recover from. And Luffy stood above him, smiling as he mentally bled from his broken body, as if nothing happened. He lost it, "Are you really that blind!? Are you so blind that you can't see that I want you and it's KILLING me?"

He was tense, but his mouth closed. He had said all that needed to be said. His eyes were cloudy, he couldn't see Luffy's reaction, and he was too scared to even want to. A single tear silently rolled down his cheek. He was crying. It had been the first time in years... the first time since he made Luffy the promise— the promise he had failed to keep.

Luffy blinked once, twice, and then said, "So, does this mean you want to do it?"

* * *

...I started writing with the intentions to step up from my last mediocre chapter and make this one extra hilarious... and then this happened. What. ...What.

I guess I got carried away. I ended the last chapter trying to make it seem like it was going somewhere (only to have the expected sex turn into group yaoi reading funtime), and somehow this branched off that into this whole unrequited love sort of thing (totally ooc for Zoro, I know... but I couldn't imagine luffy being the one in love... he's pretty much a 5 year old mentally). Also, ignore the fact that Zoro is only realizing he's into guys now when he just was talking about his bookmarked yaoi collection in the last part. Lol.

In case this got your hopes up... SPOILERS: no, they're not going to fuck next chapter. That would completely defeat the purpose of me writing this story, if I ended up writing graphic sex scenes and all that stuff. I'm not personally a fan of yaoi anyways (no offense to you guys, you're all awesome if you're still reading this).

I gotta admit though, the idea of Zoro being in love is quite adorable. Well, he's always adorable, especially when he gets embarassed and defensive about it, omg. I swear my ovaries exploded in the babysitting episode like 20 times (and I don't even have ovaries).


	4. Part Four: Things Get Too Hard 2 Control

_Luffy blinked once, twice, and then said, "So, does this mean you want to do it?"_

Zoro too a step back, "W-what?"

"You know, like in that yaoi you showed me earlier. Let's do it. We're naked already."

"L-luffy... you know what that means, right?"

Luffy nodded and answered with a straight (or should I say straight but bicurious) face, "Nope."

Zoro crossed his arms and looked away from his idiot captain's monkey-like grin. He sunk himself low into the water in hopes of covering his face, "Then we can't just f-fu... *clears throat* fu... _DO _it like that. It's supposed to be meaningful... and romantic."

"Romantic? I didn't know you were that kind of guy, Zoro!" Luffy said with a laugh, which made Zoro flush harder than a backed up toilet. Of course, Zoro wanted to bring up the fact that luffy didn't know basically anything about anything, but Luffy wouldn't even think that was an insult.

"Sh-shut up, I'll kill you." (He would never)

Luffy didn't take the threat seriously, "I thought doing _it_ was just to babies though, no one said it had to be romantic. My bad, Zoro... I just thought making babies with you would be soo cool"

"You ...what?" Zoro couldn't tell if Luffy was being serious. First of all, how did Luffy know so much about... uh... and second, he wanted to make... babies... with...

"Come on, Zoro. Baby Zoros would be fun! Please? Please? Please? Pl-"

Zoro grabbed Luffy's face and squeezed his mouth shut. "NO. And besides, its impossible for two guys to make babies together."

Luffy squeezed his mouth between zoro's fingers, "Since I'm captain, I will be the guy then. You can be the girl." and he tumbled back into the bath onto Zoro. Zoro cried out in surprise and tried to protect his junk from being crushed by Luffy as he settled down, and by some miracle he wasn't castrated.

"Okay Zoro, I'm on top of you and your on the bottom now, how many months until the babies come out?"

"Idiot, sitting on someone is not how you do it... you have to use your dick."

Zoro's heart starting going dokidoki in his chest (ooh, I used a Japanese word in an english story, aren't I clever? I'm so cool desu yo.)

Luffy raised an eyebrow, "Use my mushroom- I mean, my dick? Do you want me to... pee on you?"

Zoro wanted to die from the stupidity, "No, you have to get it hard"

"Oh, you mean like in the yaoi story. Um, I don't know how to do that."

*sexual tension*

Zoro looked passionately into Luffy's eyes, "Here, I'll show you," and he moved his hand from his side, reached over and brushed his hand on Luffy's penis. As soon as he did, he yanked his hand back quickly and said, "Shit, that was an accident, sorry... forgot you were sitting over me like that for a second," and he reached out of the water for his phone, googling 'the science of masturbation theory' for luffy to see how it worked.

"Okay Zoro... I'll try..."

And so they sat there awkwardly. Luffy touching himself inappropriately, still completely nonchalant in his naivete, and Zoro avoiding looking, and trying to keep his mind on other things, despite knowing this was happening because they were going to fuck. And he wanted to, he guessed... but it didn't seem right under these circumstances. He wanted his first time to be special, and not how things were going now, but Luffy wouldn't take no for an answer. Well he might have if Zoro was more assertive about it, but he just sat here and allowed it to happen.

Luffy interuppted his mental monologue of rambles, "Zoro! I think it's- wait, whats happening?"

Luffy's elastic skin continued to stretch as his sexual organ filled with blood. He couldn't stop it, it just kept growing. There was no limit to the stretchiness, it was like a balloon forcibly filling itself. It was beyond the size of fitting anywhere now, and it continues to increase in size.

'_And THIS.._.' Zoro thought, '_this is why I should always be the seme. ALWAYS. You hear that, yaoi fangirls? I AM THE SEME. ...Wait, Luffy?_'

Zoro's heart stopped, "Luffy!?"

But Luffy couldn't hear him, he was passed out from the lack of blood in his actual body. Zoro didn't know what to do, he wasn't a doctor... and there was know way he'd be able to explain this to Chopper... or anyone else in the crew, for that matter. But he couldn't just leave Luffy like this, could he?

And then he saw his phone on the side (why does he have a phone this is one piece) and realized who could help.

Law.

* * *

Another author's note:

Yay, Law~

I actually think Law and Zoro could probably make for a nice (serious) sex scene, but hey, I'm not gonna be the one to write it. I haven't really seen them interact much anyway *only watches the anime*, so I can't say I ship them until I see how compatible they are based off their interactions. I'm guessing not at all, based off their personalities, so oh well.

Tbh, I don't even know if this is a troll yaoi fic or a real one anymore (at least from an emotional perspective, since it really won't get any more sexual than these lame jokes)... but whatever. It's entertaining to write. I was originally going to go back and edit/make parts longer, but I have an important class to not ditch tomorrow so I'm off for today, yay.

I do srsly ship Zolu in the way I'm starting to portray them though... Zoro, the hopeless, sexy-but-forever-a-virgin romantic that's too embarassed about his feelings and has to act all tough about it (for the most part), and Luffy, the naive one that will unintentionally tease him but never return Zoro's love.

I don't ship Law with anyone though, poor law. But he's hot so he can marry a mirror, I guess.


End file.
